The Hardest Thing
by angelsinstead
Summary: Marty has something to say to Todd.


_"Sometimes the things that are hardest to do, those are the things that we need to do most."_ ~ Andrew to Marty, OLTL

The cut on her face was healing. Despite the bandage on her cheek, she could just barely feel the pain. Her injured leg was also on the mend. She had to walk with a cane, but the doctor had assured her in time, she would be just fine. All her physical wounds would be nothing more than a faded memory, but the emotional ones on her soul ran as deep as the sea. Sometimes the waves crashed so fast and with so much force, they nearly knocked her off her feet, drowning her in aching sorrow. Sometimes she wondered how she would endure it anymore; even one more minute.

After Marty's talk with Andrew, she was conflicted. Andrew's words of advice were eating her alive, making her feel as though she had to do something. She had to act quickly, but yet she was paralyzed. How in the world would she face him again - Todd Manning, her rapist? How could she actually look him in the eye and thank him for saving her life? How...after all of the pain he had inflicted? Did Todd deserve her words? Did he DESERVE anything at all from her? Perhaps he didn't... but then again, maybe he did. Marty just didn't know. Suddenly she was thrust back into the not so long ago past when Todd had hurt her that awful night. She couldn't stop thinking of it, but she also couldn't block out the reality that he had saved her and if it hadn't have been for him coming to her rescue, she wouldn't be breathing; she'd surely be dead.

After much turmoil and tremendous inner battle, Marty summoned the courage to speak to Todd. He was back in a jail cell, awaiting his fate after being caught trying to make an escape. He would have made it to Canada, but instead, he had risked it all to save three lives.

It was just another day for him locked up behind bars until Marty strode in. "Marty," he said in surprise. "What are _you_ doing here?"

He looked her up and down, seeing her bandaged cheek and how she leaned upon her cane. For almost dying, she really didn't look all that bad. He breathed deeply, drinking in the sight of her, in complete shock that she had come to visit him in jail. He thought he'd never see her again. He was sure she despised him and deep in his heart, he knew he could not blame her for hating his guts.

"Hello, Todd," she said softly, struggling to speak and hold his gaze. It was so difficult to look at him, after all of the terrible things he had done. For so long she had loathed this man; the one who had wrecked her life.

"Why are you here?" he asked again, coming just a bit closer as he stared into her eyes. He seemed to be looking directly into her soul, exposing all of her secrets.

"I wanted to thank you. For saving me... and Jessica and CJ."

"You don't have to thank me. I wanted to help. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hadn't have helped. I am glad I was there...and that you and those kids are alive."

"Todd, I-."

She hesitated. The words were too hard. They wouldn't move passed the giant lump in her throat. Her eyes were glassy, but she was determined not to cry. For so long, she hadn't given him the satisfaction of seeing her tears.

"Just spit it out, Marty. Come on. We both know what you're going to say."

She shook her head as he was scowling at her. She knew he was on the verge of losing his temper. She fumbled over the words she needed to say to him, but once again, she failed to get them passed her lips.

"You're going to tell me you'll hate me forever...for hurting you, for hurting Nora and Luna...Rebecca, and whomever else I hurt. And you're going to declare your undying love for your precious Suede. I didn't kill him by the way. You know that was just an accident. I really didn't..."

"Todd!" she cried out, cutting him off. "No... no... no! That wasn't what I was going to say."

"Then what is it, Marty? Just say it!"

"Just stop. This isn't easy for me. I need to tell you something. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be standing here right now. You saved me...and now it's time I saved myself."

He screwed up his face, completely lost. Todd Manning was not a patient man, but for once in his life, he decided to hold his tongue. Marty had come to the jail to tell him something of importance, so he was going to let her say it.

"For so long I have been burning up inside with hatred toward you, but now it's time I let it go. I need to let it go... not for you, but for me, so I can finally be free."

"Are you saying you forgive me, Marty?"

"I wouldn't go that far," she cried out quickly. "I just said I don't hate you."

"Well, that's something. You don't hate me. But I wouldn't blame you if you did. I am not a man; I'm a monster. I'm a horrible beast capable of..."

His words trailed off and they both knew what he had been about to say. It was such an ugly word - rape - for such an ugly and violent act.

"No, Todd... I don't believe that. You're not a monster. You stayed behind to save us... when you knew you would probably be caught. You do have a heart in there... underneath all of that anger and bitterness. I always thought you did... but now I know it's true. I no longer hate you... but I hate what you did to me and I don't know if I can ever forgive you."

"It's okay if you don't forgive me, because I'll never forgive myself. Not ever...for hurting you," he said sincerely. "You most of all."

A single tear slid down her cheek when she heard those words. Why did he still have to get to her and why did it have to hurt so deeply and so bad?

"Goodbye, Todd," she said, hesitating before she walked away.

He watched her every movement until the second that she left his sight. She didn't hate him anymore. That was something... a start...

If only he didn't hate himself...

If only he could live with the fact that he had hurt the one person he had ever truly cared about with all his heart...

"Goodbye, Marty," he sighed, sitting down on his lonely cot. He had no other choice but to remain alone in solitary confinement. Now every bit of sunshine had been swept away from his gaze. It had all fled when Marty had walked out that door.

Marty left the jail, feeling as though a heavy load of pain and emotion had been lifted off her tired and sagging shoulders. She had did it. She had spoke to Todd and she had thanked him. They had actually had a real conversation that hadn't ended in a violent screaming match.

A little smile curved her lips. She had been so brave. Standing up to Todd was no easy feat. For so long, he had been her greatest fear. Now he didn't seem so scary anymore. He seemed human and for the first time in months, she felt human, too.

**The End**


End file.
